recently i feel disgusting.
i almost feel as if someone has turned me inside out, and the ugliness of my insides are now being scrutinized by everyone around me.
it's a horrible feeling...a typical teenage girl feeling.
i never thought i'd succomb to this terrible thing, this terrible and unbearable feeling that every part of my body feels gross.
from my scalp, down to my toes...i'm just...nasty. i feel like everything i do and everything i don't do recently reflects how i feel...or maybe vice versa. who knows anymore.
the clothes i wear, the way my room is so dirty...the dust, and the cat and dog hair, the way my hair gets greasy after one day, the way i bite my nails, the way i sit on my ass all day b/c track is over.
i rather not sound so typical. but i feel it. i feel the inches of new fat grow on me everytime i sit down at my computer. just sitting, aimlessly searching the internet for what it comes down to...nothing.
and i try to do something. i try to clean my room, i try to grow out my nails, i try to start eating healthy, i try to get off the internet, i try to buy new clothes, instead of the same sweatpants i wear everyday. but everything is absurd. i clean it, but it gets dirty the next day. i grow them, and i eat healthy all day, but then my self control gets the best of me. i try to stay off, but there is always something calling my name, download a new song michele, check your xanga michele, talk to that kid michele, send an email michele. i try to buy the new clothes, but nothing fits me, nothing ever looks right, my love handles control my body, and i hate it. everytime i go shopping i wind up crying because i hate the reflection that stares back at me in the dressing room. i usually turn my back.
people think i'm always happy, and oh poor michele, she's perfect anyway what does she know. but you know what, poor michele isn't perfect, the cons of my body far more outweight the pros. and it's just come to the point when it hurts to look.
it might hurt to look, but i'm to strong of a person to go in the wrong direction. i need to make some changes, it's so hard though. maybe i'm not as strong as i thought i was.
damn you self control, damn you to hell.